SCENE: THE WREN’S NEST, LATE AFTERNOON
(Gallant executive director LAIN SHAKESPEARE prepares to leave the Wren’s Nest when the doorbell rings. CRAZY WOMAN IN PINK, who had been seen mysteriously rolling a suitcase around in the back yard, appears at the door. LAIN does not know she is crazy.)
LAIN: Hi! Are you here for a tour?
WOMAN: Yes! May I come in?
LAIN: Actually, we closed at 2:30. And normally I’d let you come in but I’m running late.
WOMAN: Aha! Will you be open tomorrow? And how much does a tour cost?
LAIN: Yes, and it’s $8 for adults.
WOMAN: Would you charge me if I said this was my house?
(LAIN cannot respond to this question and stares vacantly for nine beats.)
LAIN: …yes, I think I would.
WOMAN: But this is my house. I built it. So you’re going to charge me to see it!?!
LAIN: (voice cracking) …oh?
WOMAN: Yes, I built this house with my husband and my brother.
LAIN: (pointing to the house) Are we… talking about… the Wren’s Nest?
WOMAN: Yes! In fact, I have things planted all around the house.
LAIN: Things? What kind of things?
WOMAN: (ignoring this) When my husband and I divorced, we decided to keep this house as neutral ground. So we can both come here.
(LAIN squints real hard, as if it will make this woman make sense.)
WOMAN: At least, that’s the way it is until I can move all my stuff out.
LAIN: What kind of stuff do you have in here?
WOMAN: (smiling wide) My Ouija board. And Jumanji. Have you ever heard of Jumanji? Say, is this house haunted?
LAIN: Ma’am? I don’t think so. Do you have somewhere you can stay?
WOMAN: This is my house.
LAIN: Yes, but I mean for toni–
WOMAN: (emphatically, but with a smile) My house.
(LAIN and WOMAN exchange awkward goodbye, ending the most confusing conversation that has occurred on the premises in recent memory.)
EDIT, 1:59 PM: (Editor’s note–In my rush to get everything down on paper, I totally forgot the wackiest part! Please forgive, and you can insert these lines anywhere above where it makes sense.)
LAIN: So, um, what’s your name? How long have you been in the neighborhood?
WOMAN: I am the mother of time.